amusing
Dear Diary...
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing football 25 years ago, I decided it would be a
good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my
reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself
as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and
swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.................
Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and
a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to
her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which
she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be
a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank five cups of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full kilometre. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked in an ACROD zone in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the
hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.
Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin,cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to
work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich.(Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and
graduated with honours.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife
(the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a
vasectomy.
.
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