Laugh of the Day

    This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse this site, you are agreeing to our Cookie Policy.

    Welcome to our Australian Low Carb Forums. Join us for free support, information and recipes to help you with your low carb diet. We're a friendly bunch so please register and join in the fray, but most of all have fun! If you like us please share and spread the love!

    • Re: Laugh of the Day

      Oh dear ....

      A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night,when behind him he hears:




      Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




      Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.






      He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.




      on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

      Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

      With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

      Bumping and clapping toward him.

      The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


      (hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

      The coffin stops
      Bron Doingit
      Now to maintain.....hard work! :D
    • Re: Laugh of the Day

      sorry another one....

      Subject: The Indian with one testicle

      The Indian With One Testicle

      There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

      He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

      After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

      cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone

      again, I will kill them!'

      The word got around and nobody called

      him that any more.

      Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

      forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

      He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

      the forest where he made love to her all day and

      all night. He made love to her all the next day,

      until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

      The word got around that Onestone meant what

      he promised he would do.

      Years went by and no

      one dared call him by his given name until a woman

      named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

      away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

      overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

      and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

      Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

      then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

      night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

      her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

      Why ???

      OH, come on . take a guess !!!

      Think about it !!!

      You're going to love this !!!

      Everyone knows...

      You can't kill Two Birds

      with OneStone !!!
      Bron Doingit
      Now to maintain.....hard work! :D
    • Re: Laugh of the Day

      Unclassified: Doctors Quotes?

      1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi.'I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong one.
      Submitted by Dr. Mark Macdonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.

      2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
      Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St..Thomas's Bath .

      3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
      Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp..

      4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.'Which one ?'. I asked. 'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
      Submitted by Dr.. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.

      5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
      Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .

      6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
      Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.

      7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said. 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
      KGH London .Dr. wouldn't submit his name!
      My Blog
      First Mini Goal of 1.6 achieved - 30-7-2013



    • Re: Laugh of the Day

      A new poem by Pam Ayres

      Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
      By Pam Ayres

      Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
      Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
      Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
      Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

      Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
      It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,

      And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
      Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

      'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
      When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
      And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
      I wish I'd looked after me tits.

      When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
      When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
      When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
      Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

      When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
      From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
      Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
      Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

      When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
      Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
      Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
      I wish I'd looked after me tits.

      When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
      When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
      When people see less of them rather than more,

      Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits:D
      Bron Doingit
      Now to maintain.....hard work! :D
    • Re: Laugh of the Day

      Japanese Hotel service

      A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ..
      Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called
      down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

      'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the
      hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

      Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
      $1****0, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to
      buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head
      and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

      Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures,

      ''Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands
      into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds
      later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

      The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service
      Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

      The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped
      his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his old fella into the opening. When
      the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost
      passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

      With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender
      member.....Which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..
      Bron Doingit
      Now to maintain.....hard work! :D
    • Re: Laugh of the Day

      A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'

      The husband replies,
      'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

      The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

      'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

      'Tiger Woods.'

      'Tiger Woods the golfer?'


      'Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

      The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

      'What are you doing?' asks his wife.

      The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.'

      'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she claims.

      'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

      'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

      The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

      'What are you doing?' she asks.

      The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.'

      'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.

      'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

      'He'd come back to bed and do it a third time.'

      The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

      The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'

      'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!'

      Bron Doingit
      Now to maintain.....hard work! :D
    • Re: Laugh of the Day

      British Humour.

      (VERY politically incorrect! You have been warned.)

      Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.

      They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.


      Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...

      One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

      ======= =========================================

      During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

      A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said, 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.


      Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown five times a week now.


      I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?


      I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


      I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

      How could anyone stoop so low?


      I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghani bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet, so

      I shouted up to him, "What's up, Abdul; won't it start?"
      Bron Doingit
      Now to maintain.....hard work! :D
    • Re: Laugh of the Day

      Ca - na - da (Priceless!)
      Now that Vancouver will be hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.

      Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
      Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

      Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
      A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

      Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
      A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

      Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
      A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

      Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
      A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

      Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
      A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.

      Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
      A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.

      Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
      A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

      Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
      A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

      Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
      A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

      Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
      A: No, WE don't stink.

      Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
      A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

      Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
      A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

      Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
      A: Only at Thanksgiving.

      Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
      A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

      Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
      A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

      Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
      A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
    • Re: Laugh of the Day



      [Blocked Image:]

      Mini Goals
      16 June (4.5 weeks) Ian McKellen on stage: Goal weight: 69kg (5.8kg in 4.5 weeks)
      21 July (+ 5 weeks) Friends baby shower: 64kg (5kg in 5 weeks)
      11 Aug (+3 weeks) Dads 60th: 61kg (3kg in 3 weeks)
      26 Sept (6.5 weeks) Brothers birthday: 56kg GOAL (5kg in 6.5 weeks)
    • Re: Laugh of the Day


      A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point
      in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password.

      Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

      The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
      shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

      So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...






      His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
      Bron Doingit
      Now to maintain.....hard work! :D
    • Re: Laugh of the Day

      Read it all the way.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      You Stupid B*stard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

      How in the world can you be so stupid?

      You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn't attractive.

      But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named "America's Sweetheart".

      You also remember she just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future)...while you were shacking with that tattooed freak, who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.

      You are really a piece of work!

      You are the most hated ass hole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a no-fault state whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra speech during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you.

      How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children?

      I only have one thing to say to a despicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are.

      Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of me.

      Lets do lunch sometime and compare notes.

      Tiger Woods
      Bron Doingit
      Now to maintain.....hard work! :D
    • Re: Laugh of the Day


      [Blocked Image:]

      Mini Goals
      16 June (4.5 weeks) Ian McKellen on stage: Goal weight: 69kg (5.8kg in 4.5 weeks)
      21 July (+ 5 weeks) Friends baby shower: 64kg (5kg in 5 weeks)
      11 Aug (+3 weeks) Dads 60th: 61kg (3kg in 3 weeks)
      26 Sept (6.5 weeks) Brothers birthday: 56kg GOAL (5kg in 6.5 weeks)
    • Re: Laugh of the Day

      John Bradford, a Dublin
      University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on
      a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

      night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
      strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

      Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and

      , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got
      into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was
      nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
      car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and
      saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging
      for his life. Then,
      just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of
      nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John ,
      paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the
      window, but never touched or harmed him.

      thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
      so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to
      it. Wet
      and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
      everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

      silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was
      crying... and wasn't drunk.

      the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
      and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out
      of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at
      the bar, one said to the

      Look Paddy...there's that fooking idiot that
      got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
      Bron Doingit
      Now to maintain.....hard work! :D
    • Re: Laugh of the Day

      Black Testicles A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
      'Thank you very much. That was wonderful:D, but listen very, very closely.....

      ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?' :eek:
      Bron Doingit
      Now to maintain.....hard work! :D
    • Cricket Season is here.... Take Heed a bit risque~

      Ode to Cricketers


      Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,
      Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

      Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea,
      Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee

      First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last!
      My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.

      Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way;
      He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day!

      And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap.
      If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!

      Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength;
      He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.

      So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.
      Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

      And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
      He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.

      The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.
      When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes..

      And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;
      When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.

      Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about;
      And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out!

      We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
      He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.

      So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:
      Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

      And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash;
      And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash.

      If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score;
      Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before!

      The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
      He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.

      Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup;
      You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!

      So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:
      Bron Doingit
      Now to maintain.....hard work! :D