Toilet Humour

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    • now you got me doing little pop pop pop farts
      Are you definite? - following is for you Makeely :D.

      A Definite Definition

      A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."

      She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.

      Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."

      The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is grey, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"

      Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.

      Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."

      "Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"

      Finally, in the far corner, little Tony slowly raises his hand.

      "Yes, Tony?" asks the teacher.

      "Can I ask a question, teacher?" Tony replies.

      "Yes."

      "Do farts have lumps?"

      "No. Why do you ask."

      "Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."
    • Why thank you RBB!! That reminds me of the time.........

      No just kidding. I am in a silly mood, cause it is Friday arvo and I luuuuuuurrrrrvvvvve not having to come here for 2 days!!

      YOu all have a wonderful weekend and I will see you all next week.

      Love Makeely the pop pop popper! ;)
      Start weight:86kgs
      1st Goal weight:75kgs
      Current weight: 80.5 kgs
      Total Lost: 5.5kgs
    • Why can't single woman fart???

      Because they don't have arseholes until they're married....

      29 Types Of People In The Men's Room

      EXCITABLE:

      Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole rips shorts.

      SOCIABLE:

      Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

      NOSEY:

      Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

      TIMID:

      Can't if someone is watching, flushes urinal as if he had already, comes back later.

      INDIFFERENT:

      All urinals being used, pisses in the sink.

      CLEVER:

      No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.

      WORRIED:

      Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

      FRIVILOUS:

      Plays stream up, down and accross urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

      ABSENT-MINDED:

      Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

      CHILDISH:

      Pisses directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see the bubbles.

      SNEAKY:

      Farts silently, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

      PATIENT:

      Stands very close for a long time, reads newspaper with freehand.

      DESPERATE:

      Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses on pants.

      TOUGH:

      Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

      FAT:

      Backs up and takes blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoes.

      EFFICIENT:

      Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

      LITTLE:

      Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

      DRUNK:

      Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

      DISGRUNTLED:

      Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

      CONCEITED:

      Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

      IMPATIENT:

      Always in a hurry, pisses down back of guy in front of him.

      HUNTER:

      Gets out of camper, unzips fly, steps off cliff.

      WITHDRAWN:

      Places feet in urinal, pisses down leg, thus eliminates noise.

      CROSS-EYED:

      Looks into urinal on left, pisses into the middle one, flushes one on right.

      CURIOUS:

      Looks over at neighbor, pisses in neighbor's pocket.

      COMPETITIVE:

      Stands back, challenges others to distance contest.

      SHOW OFF:

      Stands with back to urinal, slings tool over shoulder.

      CONFUSED:

      Woman in wrong room wondering what's with the funnysinks.

      SMOKER:

      Smokes with free hand, chronically burning dick, forfeits sex with his hot nympho wife for a month, and ends up getting a divorce.
    • THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEANS

      Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for
      baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and
      somewhat lively effect on him.

      One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they
      would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying
      on like that" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and
      shortly after that they got married.

      A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
      since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he
      would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a
      small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
      Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off
      any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and
      before leaving he had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All
      the way home he "putt - putted". He "putted" up one hill and down the
      other. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

      His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
      exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for
      dinner tonight".

      She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of
      the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was
      beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to
      remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise
      not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

      While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight
      to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but "ripe" as a rotten
      egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and
      fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when
      another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rrrlllllllppppp!"

      It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep
      from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell
      would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal, when he
      felt another urge coming on. He shifted his weight to the other leg
      and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled,
      the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the
      table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in
      the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he
      carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning
      them each time with his napkin.

      When he heard the "phone farewells" (indicating the end of his
      loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
      folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture
      of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long,
      she asked if he had peeked at the dinner.

      After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold and
      yelled "Surprise!"

      To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around
      the dinner table for his surprise birthday party!!!
    • TYPES OF POO

      Ghost Poo:
      You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the
      toilet. Where is it?

      Teflon Poo:
      So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the
      toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

      Goo Poo:
      This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you
      still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your
      underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the
      toilet.

      Second Thoughts Poo:
      You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise...
      there's more to come.

      Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo:
      This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out
      until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.

      Weight Watchers Poo:
      You poo so much you lose several pounds.

      Right Now Poo:
      You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to
      get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your
      pants down.

      King Kong Poo:
      This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you
      break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well.
      This kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house.

      Cork Poo:
      Also known as "floaters." Even after the third flush it's still there,
      floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?

      Wet Cheeks Poo:
      This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the
      launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish.

      Wish Poo:
      You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.

      Cement Block Poo:
      You wish you'd got a spinal block before you pooed.

      Snake Poo:
      This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least
      three feet long.

      Morning After Poo:
      Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't
      smell that bad, but THIS one... Usually you're at someone else's house
      (normally a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside
      to use the bathroom.

      Mexican Food Poo:
      Also called "screamers." You know it's safe to eat again when your bum
      stops burning.

      Boo Hoo Poo:
      Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether your should risk the
      stitches or go for the fuller figure.
    • Stallmate humour

      20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate:

      1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
      2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
      3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
      4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
      5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
      6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
      7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly!!.
      8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
      9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
      10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
      11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
      12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
      13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
      14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while yous queeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
      15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.
      16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
      17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
      18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
      19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
      20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
    • I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
      I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"
      And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"
      What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
      At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
      Then he asks," Can I come over to your place after while?"
      Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
      I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
      Then I hear the guy say nervously...




      "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back,
      there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps
      answering all my questions.